The angels singing say we are alone with you

The snow is so very beautiful...and so very cruel.

As far as the eye can see there is a blanket of fresh white powder, and every night it seems to drift down endlessly.

This is my home now.

I love it more with every day that passes.

( [taped to journal page] )

[Backdated to Christmas Eve night]
I feel very silly that I've let the holiday slip away from me so quickly. After the morning's happenings, I feel as though it were a blur, and I've not yet returned to my normal sense of time. I believe we are all relieved that Christmas dinner was so splendidly successful.

I cannot express my happiness that the holiday was spent with so many that have become, as Antonin likes to tease, my adopted. The strays, he kindly says, and I kindly cannot do more but to smile as I know it's far too true. But I love them all.

It's quiet now, and I cannot help but to think that I feel very hopeful that everyone shall have an easy Christmas morning when there were so many bottles of vodka to be had...

I'm endlessly amused.

[Sent out Christmas morning]

( [Left for Antonin upon his desk] )

( [Left for Scorpius upon the desk in his room] )

( [Left under the tree for Tracey and Sir Nicholas] )

( [via owl: Evan] )

( [via owl: Stephen Mulciber and Abby] )

( [via owl: Sally] )

( [via owl: Charlus] )

( [via owl: Elizabeth Vance] )

[Added in Christmas evening]
My heart could not bear another ounce of happiness...

My love...

How I adore you so.

[Spell-o-taped in]

If I am lost, this is where I may be found.

The healers say we will know whether our family shall be two girls more or two boys...or one of each within another two months. How strange it is to imagine, and how thrilling all at once. I dare not think of the nursery with certainty. I wonder still if our home may hold all that our family has gained...and what we are gaining still yet.

I've a string that Antonin tied about my waist nearly a month ago that now has barely made it about to tie in a bow. I feel so utterly pleased.

They shall be terribly mischievous...I'm certain already. For the third morning they've wanted nothing but the most wonderful sticky buns from town. Sweets for breakfast already. Whatever shall we do?

( [Taped in to journal] )

( [Tracey] )

( [Antonin] )

( [Kaiser Grindelwald] )

( [Scorpius] )

[Hexed against family; excluding Antonin]
I received something most surprising today in the post. I'm not entirely sure how it knew to come here, but I suppose an owl is more clever than one should think. I received a letter from my aunt after all these months, and I've been staring at it for some time wondering whether it should be opened. I don't fear her anymore. It isn't the girlish dread that something might be opened to find a howler inside. Rather, all of that has been replaced with a sort of morbid curiosity that someone so detached from one's life should suddenly be so interested once more.

I can't help but ask myself, why.

( [spell-o-taped in] )

On another note, the house has been awfully quiet...I've hardly heard a word from anyone and it's driving me absolutely mad. I've taken up another hobby in the midst of it, and am now fairly adequate at hemming certain articles of clothes by hand. It's proven to be rather handy.


I miss you, Tracey. Deeply.

So many lost people.

I remember when I felt so lost. I remember when I didn't have a place.

Now, I could not imagine a life beyond this world. There is peace in my life. There is a happiness I can barely contain.

One day it will be so for them, I hope.

[Antonin]
I've plans for us a week from today.

Please let the hospital know?
[/end]

[Tracey]
I hate to be such a bother, but I wondered if you might help me with the preparations for Antonin's dinner?

I'd be indebted to you for the rest of my life, if I'm not already.
[/end]

My husband is broken...

Between my tears and Tracey's advice, we have broken him.

It is very nearly nearing 2 months since the babies were conceived and I feel as though every day brings something new to wreak havok on my body and emotions. The sickness has passed, to that I am most grateful, and yet in its wake is this awful inability to control anything I say or do with myself. I feel like crying at the silliest things. I swore my husband would never see my tears so frequently...

Some promises simply cannot be kept.



Does that make me an awful wife? I feel so awful that I should break my promise to him. It is my vow and I...





...am crying again.

I thought everything would be routine. Now I'm terrified. I'm here in the middle of Sanctuary again, and I don't know how long I've been waiting or what they're doing. I only thought it was a simple bug, so why do they need more tests?

It's cold here, and I am absolutely dreading when the healer walks back through that door, and I'm dreading that they aren't, and I just...

I can't do this alone.

Antonin? Please come. I'm afraid.

I'm very sorry to have missed another game. It isn't at all like in school when there were only so many to be counted. I never knew professional Quidditch hosted so many weekly events. I'll make the next one, I promise Trace...and Al..I heard you've been marvelous, and I regret saying I haven't had the chance to cheer you on. I hope you'll take this as my statememnt of appreciation for your talent until I can personally make an appearance?

On another note, I've had to cancel my appointments with the children at Sanctuary this week. I feel terrible for letting them down, but I'd certainly not like to spread whatever bug I've caught this past week. I can't seem to keep anything but broth down. Perhaps I should make a date to see a healer instead...I should send word of it, I suppose. Certainly there is a potion to help with this awful feeling.

I thought to find my old pointe shoes and perhaps do a bit of dancing. It's been...years since I've put them on, and while I sorted through some old albums of classical music, I found myself longing for it again. Perhaps when I feel stronger...I think I heard someone mention dancing recently...

( [Antonin] )

[Added in later]
( [Stephen] )

The house is so quiet without all the banging of the pots and the morning serenades from Miss Sunshine. I do miss you Tracey. Atticus is thoroughly relieved. I could almost say I saw him smile today when I told him I'd be resting instead of helping with the house chores.

...Maybe he'll start singing and things will seem homier.

I don't feel well at all. I imagine I have some sort of bug that I've carried back from the hospital. It's odd, because I have hardly ever needed to rest so much in the day, but I find myself taking naps on a regular basis. Perhaps I've exhausted myself more than I realized flitting about the Children's ward. But who can sit down when there's so much to be done, and the children are just so wonderfully chipper...Even on the darker of days.

I'm enjoying my time at Sanctuary. I've never known the extent of what I can do aside from pick out the proper color of tea roses to match occasional brunches. It is nice to know that I have some skill at learning new things.

It is nice to be home on the weekend with Milly warming my feet on the sofa and a cup of tea to take away the lethargy. I haven't picked up a book since leaving school, but I think a collection of Bronte novels is calling my name.

[Antonin]
...I miss you.
[/end]

My request for a position at Sanctuary as a volunteer has been accepted. I'm unsure which ward will most likely accept the help of someone with absolutely no medical background...but I am happy for whatever I might be given. Surely I can be more useful than I am sitting passing my time with Milly wishing someone would come home...or be done with class...

I've learned to bake several things without filling the kitchen with smoke or burning a good pan, and so far I've managed more edible batches of blueberry muffins than I've had to dispose of. I'm counting this as a sucess.

Everything seems to be fitting in so perfectly since coming to Italy. I feel both relieved and terrified that at any moment I might blink and this wonderful dream might have passed.

Happiness is an odd and addictive thing to know.

Oh yes...Stephen, would you be a dear and talk to me about caring for Milly while I am occupied at Sanctuary? I'd be happy to compensate you for your trouble.

I feel ashamed to have neglected my journal for so long. It might have been a longer time yet before I drug it out of my trunk had I not finally uncovered it under all the clothes. So forgive me, Tracey and Sally and Tom and Mr. Mulciber for not having written yet...and anyone else with a particular interest in speaking with me.

Married life is so very wonderfully distracting.

I won't even imagine what my aunt is thinking by now. Surely she's found the note...If I weren't 18, I'm sure she'd have sent all of London's best after me.

I've never been so happy to be 18.

[Edit: Added later]
Does anyone know how to turn on an oven?

...And what on earth is a wisk?

( [Private] )

( [Tracey] )

( [Sally] )

( [Added later to Stephen] )

[Tracey]
He asked me, Tracey. He...

He wants...

...I'm getting married.
[/end]

I'm so happy. For once, nothing will stand in my way.

I hadn't remembered how utterly boring the estate is. The country is so beautiful, and yet I can only see it through my window. It seems like it has always been that way...As if there's always been a pane of glass between what I see and what I may touch and be part of.

I do not feel nearly as weak as everyone wants to believe I am, and I am determined to prove it.

It is lonely here...The house is deafening in its silence. Perhaps I should get a puppy like Stephen says. My poor Antonin certainly can't be at my beacon call forever.

(Added later)
My birthday is in two days...I'd nearly forgotten.

[Private to self]
My aunt asks more questions, and I still cannot bring myself to answer them. I know that this time of freedom is slowly ebbing away. It is like sand in my hands, and the more I hold to it, the more it slips through my fingers. If she knew...it would ruin everything. She would ruin everything.

If only I can make her see what I have seen in him. He is enough for me...but will she accept that?

I won't let him go, no matter what she says.

I love him.

( [Antonin] )

( [Stephen] )

( [Tracey] )

( [Tom Riddle] )

I feel...weak.

I feel foolish and helpless as all these healers buzz about as though I'm not really here. How can something so important to their mission be so...invisible? I feel many things that are unfamiliar to me, and some that I've grown up with. It isn't odd to be waited on hand and foot and to be treated as though I can't do anything on my own. But it isn't familiar to be so...

To be so scared...It's indescribable.

It was nice when no one knew that I was here. It was nice to not have to face her.

My aunt is coming tomorrow, and I'm sure she'll make a scene and insist I be brought home. But I can't stand to think of leaving now.

No matter how much the healers annoy me.

[Hexed against Antonin]
He hasn't left my bed since I've woken up. I don't know how long before he stayed this way. I'm sure I'm keeping him from his work, but he refuses to go until they come for him. Even then it is so short a time. I know he is frightened...and I can see the guilt in his eyes. He thinks it is his fault, what has happened. How can I reassure him?

I'm frightened to know what will happen when my two worlds meet.

I'm frightened that this was not intended for me...

Who could want him hurt?

I've hardly slept at all. The weather was so fair last night that I thought I might walk to town when the sun is up. It's so peaceful at this hour. No one to bother my thoughts. I'm not sure where I'll go...There is a meadow between the market and the border of the school with flowers as far as I can see. I might like to go and pick a bouquet for my room. It is so dreary in here. There's absolutely no taste to these drab draperies and rotting armchairs. Aunt Lucienne would be appalled. I'm sure her money has not gone to the decor of the dormitories.

How very sad...

I hope you will find me where I walk...

Aunt Lucienne wouldn't approve of this. Not any of it.

I hardly know if I approve of him it, but isn't that just perfectly thrilling?

I think I'd like to own a bird in a brass cage. I'd sit near it at the window and listen to it sing. If I cannot be free of my cage then I will have something beautiful in a cage of its own and one day...one day I would set it free.

I don't think they'd allow it.

( Private )

( Antonin )

The French are so odd a breed. I was fairly sure there could be none as tightly wound as the British, but I've been proven wrong. I'm sure my aunt has already heard of my breaking curfew, but I'm not convinced that I care.

Was it worth it?

There's something so very familiar about him...I should save myself the trouble of it, but I know that I won't. Whatever blood is in me is stubborn. Am I anything like my parents?

I'm tired of these studies and tired of the repetition. My wings are cut and I am sick of these iron bars. One day I'll have the world offered me, and I'll take it. No matter who approves.

( If I am an angel then paint me with black wings... )